A
piece of academic writing by Sally Engle Merry on the subject of consent and
coercion has got me thinking for a while now. This article makes no claim,
suggests no solution, and points no fingers. This article is words to my
thoughts, which may add to your own.
The line which defined ‘consent’ for the world,
crumbled along with the soul of the eighteen year old girl, who had let her
boyfriend enter her, even though she just wanted to have some ‘fun’. Why?
Perhaps, it was his words which echoed in her mind- “Don’t be such a
prude!” It took with it the remains of
the self esteem of the woman, who was too bound by patriarchy and societal
norms, to refuse to her husband. Maybe she did try saying no, maybe she didn’t
explicitly say it, maybe she just implied it in “I’m not feeling too well
today,” or maybe she didn’t try at all. One may find the discomfort of the boy
who thought it was just too early to touch her vagina, the late night tears of
the newly-wed wife whose marriage was just a family arrangement but her heart
belongs elsewhere, the distress of the man who willingly entered into a
homosexual relationship with his boss to mark his career. Where do we draw the
line? Where do we begin to differentiate between emotional coercion which can
be fought and mere helplessness and submission? Do we even have an answer?
As humans, we like to make belief that there is
nothing which is beyond human rationality and logic. We try to fit things in
clubs of 0’s and 1’s, blacks and whites, ayes and nays, love and hate. We tend
to miss the infinity in between the 0 and 1, the various shades of grey, the
confusion of choice, and the indifference. We make such an easy test to
consent: If she didn’t say no, or didn’t physically struggle, you had her
consent. What if she submitted to you because she thought of the two children
you have with her? What if she loved the whole darn thing, but was totally
against your not wearing a condom? Do we ponder over the concept of passive
submission?
It’s very easy to ask someone to take a stand. If
you don’t want something, just say it, right? Walking in the shoes of another,
I wonder, what if the cost of what would be lost is greater than one’s own self
esteem? With growing awareness, one may argue that self esteem should be a
priority, no matter what. However, with growing awareness, does our sensitivity
shrink as well?
Where do we draw the line? How do YOU define consent?
